You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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