I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
