I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
dude. I can hear the air.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
