I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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