PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize