I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I looked at my own cervix.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
