I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
