yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize