Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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