hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
