I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
