He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
