he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
50% drunk capacity currently
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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