Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
being pregnant is like rehab
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
