the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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