wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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