my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
