You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
