mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize