What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
