Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
