I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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