I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
