my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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