i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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