I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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