I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
