man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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