...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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