I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize