R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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