Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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