i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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