Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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