i think my mom watched the whole time
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
