Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
