True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
