I could make wine with my vomit
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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