I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
