I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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