All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
