How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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