i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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