I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
