i think my mom watched the whole time
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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