Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
