OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
