It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
