Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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