fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
