Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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