I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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