If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
