She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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