YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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