I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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