Whod you bang
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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